1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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