i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
