i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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