oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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