can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
