I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
