Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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