Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
last night I used snow as a chaser
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
