If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
