Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
