how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
