Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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