Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
