Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
