Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
