So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
