So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
