ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
