theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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