U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
