Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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