Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
