Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
