I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
