The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
