i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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