Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
