oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
even my farts smell like vagina
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
