He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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