I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
