I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
