going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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