I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
