please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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