I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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