i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
