you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
