cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
