The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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