I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
