I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
