i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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