Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
