When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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