Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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