Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
