no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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