I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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