I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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