Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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