I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
