fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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